I hope Braeden doesn't mind me posting on his site. Not many people come here now, so I guess this site is just for the two of us - me and my son. I think he'd approve.
Today would have been my mother's birthday - would have been, because she passed away many years ago. It doesn't make it any easier when her birthday rolls around each year. I still miss her and I always will. How I wish she could have known Braeden, how I wish he could have known her. It wasn't meant to be, and that's ok. I know she's watching over us, almost as though she were actually here.
A week from today would have been my father's birthday. Same situation - he passed away a long time ago too. It's hard on both dates, but harder on my mother's birthday - she and I were so very close.
I'm an orphan, no siblings, in fact no remaining family of my own. Until I met DH I spent years by myself, me and my dogs. Now DH is here, DP is here, and of course Braeden is here. While I love them all, I still feel so alone sometimes. I just want to call my mother today and wish her a happy birthday, have her over for tea and a visit. I know that will never happen in this life, but does it ever get any easier? I don't think so. I learned to go on, learned to cope without her, but that gaping hole will always be there, the emptiness sometimes overwhelming.
Braeden is my pride and joy, but he was born via surrogacy - I couldn't carry him and give birth to him. That honor belongs to someone else, and while she's the sweetest lady, and Braeden wouldn't be here without her, it's hard knowing that one day I'll be sitting Braeden on my lap and telling him about her, he'll spend time with her. Will he love me less? I hope not - God, I hope not. Sometimes I almost feel like I don't want to get too close to him, to let him know how very much I love him. Maybe that will shield me a bit from the biting pain I'd feel if he rejects me for the surrogate who carried him, who gave him life. Thankfully though, dealing with that is down the road.
Today I'm sad, depressed, in tears. Maybe it sounds silly at my age to say this, but I want my mom. I could really use a big hug from her. When I was growing up I used to ask her, "Mommy, how much do you love me?" and she always answered, "All the much's in the world". I've been teaching Braeden that little exchange, hoping to keep part of my own mother alive.
Happy Birthday, Mom!!
12 years ago
2 comments:
I'm so sorry you've lost your mom and dad. I can't truly understand because I haven't lost my parents, but just thinking about it gives me heartache. You've had to endure alot in your life. Just remember...Braeden will always loves you, and you'll always be his mom. Nothing will ever change that. I'm sorry you're hurting...hang in there!
I still check up on you every day! I don't always have time to comment.
I can't imagine how hard it is to have lost both parents. I am so sorry!
I think I remember reading on your previous site that Braeden is still your biological child even though you didn't carry him. So then, although your surrogate sustained his life until he was ready to meet you, it was still you who gave him life. Even if that isn't the case aren't you the one who wakes up with him in the morning and puts him to bed at night? Aren't you also the one who plays with him, feeds him, bathes him, and teaches him? Cheers for him when he does well and soothes him when he's hurt? That's what a mother really is. I think you're doing a wonderful job and no one is going to be able to replace you - can't you see it every time Braeden looks at you?
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